Erase and Rewrite

The Twilight fad-nomanon

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 01:22:25 GMT

There are few things in the world that I hate more than Twilight but not many. Twilight worked its way up my list of Things I Hatefully Hate with a Hate Tank armed with Hate-Seeking Missiles pretty quickly. It plowed over dental work, trounced on mowing the grass and very nearly took out beans and Nazis. But JUST BARELY. My hate for beans and Nazis is pretty intense.

About a year or so ago the literary abortion known as Twilight debuted in theaters. Girls squealed, guys gagged and I, out of morbid curiosity, read the books. As a result of this I think I've losted some braine sells and got a bad dumb. ..Ahem.. I knew the books would be bad before I picked them up, I'd read plenty of reviews telling me as much but as a counter point I also had a good number of friends telling me they how good they were and how I would just love them. So like I said, I gave them a shot. For those who don't know (you lucky bastards you) allow me to take that blessed ignorance away.

In a nutshell:

We have Bella

Bella falls down a lot, doesn't like anything and is so anti-typical teenage girl she becomes the epitome of it. She's callous, shallow, and sets women's liberation back about 100 years with her painfully pitiful dependence on Edward. She is generic and has no personality whatsoever. She's basically a blank sheet that teenage girls (and full grown women) can project themselves onto.

Then there's Edward

Edward here is a 100-year-old vampire trapped in the un ageing body of a 17-year-old. This guy has experience, he's seen a lot of stuff happen in this world, he doesn't die and has boat loads of money just lying around. Sooooo how does he spend his free time? REPEATING HIGHSCHOOL OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN WITH HIS "SIBLINGS" (who are more or less just as old and worldly.) I'll tell you what, if I could live forever repeating high school would be the last thing on my to do list. Also his family doesn't live off human blood. They stick to wild life, that's why they can chill out in high school without killing anyone. Oh and one other point, they can go out in sunlight and burn to a crisp. Actually they don't even get sunburn, or a deep tan. they SPARKLE! SPARKLE! I . I. ugh. *facepalm*

Edward meets Bella

And they fall in love. After that it's more or less a book and a half's worth of "I love you but you can't be near me."

"But I love you! You're the only man I'll ever love! I've known it from the moment I met you 10 minutes ago!"
"I'm afraid I'll hurt you. You smell like cheeseburgers. bloody tasty cheeseburgers. With bacon."
"I what? You're weird. You're all pale and cold and feel like a corpse. You're a."
"Say it!"
"OMG you're a vampire! Kiss me!"
"Dude, it's hard for me to not eat you when we do that! Lay off!"
"I don't care, let's do it!"
"No! You see I'm undead and solid as a freakin rock. (I also sparkle in the sunlight!) If we do it I'll probably shatter your vagina or eat you or both. both if I'm lucky."
"Fiiiiiiiine. (falls down)"
(insert Vampire Baseball game. HOMERUN!)
"topaz eyes, topaz eyes topaz eyes."
(Some other stuff that is supposed to be plot. More Bella falling down a lot.)
"I must leave you forever, Bella!"
"KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN!!!!!"

And then there's Jacob
Jacob is a werewolf. Jacob is also Bella's buddy. Bella keeps some seriously messed up company. After Edward leaves Bella and she basically becomes a gibbering lump of useless, Jacob decides to pick up the pieces and pursue Bella. Bella is torn. Werewolf or Vampire? Dude it's like having to choose between a Pirate and a Ninja!

Edward comes back!
Oh happy freakin' day! Bella drops Jacob like a hot rock and goes back to her Vampire.

Other random stuff that I guess is supposed to be plot happens.

Jacob is all jealous of Edward and Edward is jealous of Jacob. Jacob goes from being a fairly nice kid to a douche like Edward. He even tries to force himself on Bella. I think that was before Edward sabotaged Bella's truck so she couldn't leave the house to see Jacob. They're both winners. Oh did I mention that Vampires and Werewolves are mortal enemies? No? Well they are.

Edward and Bella get married!
Mostly because Bella really really really wants to get laid and the only way Edward will do the deed is if they were married. Aaah what a good little vampire. Also at some point I think Edward agreed to change Bella into a vampire only if they were married.

Bella gets pregnant with a half vampire baby zombie thing!
Yeah. I don't know how it's possible either. The guy is undead but his little guys are alive and kicking? Fffffff! The point is they finally do it, though Edward doesn't kill Bella he does bust her up a bit. But anyhoo...she's pregnant with this thing and even though it will most certainly kill her during the birthing she doesn't care.

Lots of sippy cups full of blood later..

Bella has the baby!
Remember that scene at the end of Aliens? The one where the little beast busts out of the guy's stomach. Yeah. It's kinda like that.

Edward FINALLY changes the Whiney Bitc err... Bella into a Vampire
Upon seeing his spawn is busting out of his wife's abdomen he finally decides to make her a Vampire in an attempt to save her life. What a guy. What a freakin guy. That's husband of the year material right there.

So Bella's a Vampire.
Yep and she's a perfect Vampire. She doesn't have "the thirst". She adapts to her new life perfectly and after an incredibly anticlimactic end "battle" (if you can even call it that) everyone lives happily ever after without making a single sacrifice or anything.

THE END!!!!!!!

So there. You've just read all 4 Twilight books. I just saved you time and brain cells. THANK ME! Sure there are other characters involved and some parts of the story actually have a smidgen of plot but really this is all about Edward and Bella and how in love they are. And that's all that the fans care about.

Now I understand being really into something to the point of obsession. The tattoo on my left shoulder is a testament to that. I'm also no stranger to seeing particular films over and over again and I've been seen at a couple of midnight premiers. But it's one thing to look up to a superhero (or in my case a butt kicking Maverick Hunter). It's quite another thing to look up to an emotionally disconnected glutton for punishment like Bella.

Bella is everything a woman should not be. She is dependent on Edward to the point that when he leaves her she literally feels physical pain when she hears his name. She spends months on end locked in her room, she isolates herself from her friends, ultimately losing most of them and basically becomes a lump. I think that's what I'll call her now. Lump. And when Lump is not being useless mourning the loss of Edward she's out doing extreme sports trying to come as close to killing herself as possible because when that happens Edward appears to her to basically bitch at her for being so careless. You know what Lump. a wise Blue once said "No matter how bad things seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer bitching. "

Edward's no prize himself. He's controlling and jealous. At one point in the story he actually sabotages Lump's truck so she can't go hang out with Jacob. On top of that he spends a good deal of the first 2 books being unable to make up his mind over whether he wants to be with Lump. One moment he's admitting his love for her and the next he's pushing her away. Emotional abuse anyone? He forbids her from this and reprimands her for that and she takes it. because she's a Lump and that's what Lumps do. Actually she goes one step further and sees it as endearing. "Oooh no, he just loves me that's all. It's okay."

No. It's not okay. It's even less okay when we learn that Lump wants to become a Vampire too because she is so shallow that she cannot bear the thought of aging while Edward stays forever young. She wants to leave her family and all her friends behind to never see them again just so she can be with some 100 year old pretty boy. Ya know what, forget that noise! He loves you (supposedly). He'll deal gray hair and saggy boobs. And when Edward refuses to change her, she pouts. She whines and argues and worries over every second that passes making her closer to being an old hag.

AND PEOPLE WANT TO BE HER!!! That thought alone blows my mind. But apparently being a lump is pretty appealing because websites like this exist: http://www.mylifeistwilight.com <http://www.mylifeistwilight.com>

Basically this site is just a message board where people post how their life is like Twilight. Go there. Read some of the ridiculous things women make their boyfriends do. Most of them involve ice and body glitter. Those poor guys, they better have gotten oral.

When I see stuff like this, I try and stop my brain from exploding by attempting to convince myself that these girls don't really want to be Lump. they just want to do Edward (or Jacob. Whatever turns you on). They are in love with the idea of a man being completely obsessed with them and furthermore they are in love with the idea of being the one, special person who gets the brooding male lead to tear down his defenses and fall in love. And to an extent it works and I can forgive people who swoon and ooh and aah over it. but then sites like the aforementioned show up and I start to wonder.

In the end we just have to remember Twilight is a Fad. A poorly written, poorly acted fad. Like all fads it will head the way of the Beanie Baby or Pogs and one day people will look back on their stacks of magazines, card board cut outs, poorly crafted dolls and Hot Topic brand shirts and say "dang, why did I spend so much money on this crap?"

In the mean time, the movie makes an excellent drinking game. Just sayin'.

Something for nothing: When Tightening the Belt is Just Too Darn Hard

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 19:40:18 GMT

There are a million things that drive me up the wall where I work and most of those things I have come to adapt to and simply accept as the way it is, don't bother. Granted my fight-less acceptance of the obviously wrong way sounds a little Orwellian but when you think about it, The Pork Plant* is a bit Orwellian and another day I'll write more as to why. For now I want to delve into a realm that will forever intrigue, confuse and terrify me. Our Pork Customers.

Now more than ever one recurring scenario has surfaced with a lot of the customers I interact with. The idea that these customers cannot afford their current level of pork, for example, bacon, sausage, roast a few extra bags of pork rinds and 2 hams, which we can all agree that's a lot of pig product, but they don't want adjust their product so that it is affordable. So Joe Customer calls me and says, "I can't afford my pork bill! It's too high!" I look over what he is paying and typically say the following, "well it looks like we're giving you a discount on the bacon, sausage and roast so you're already paying less than most customers. The easiest way to get your bill down to a more reasonable level would be to eliminate extra items like the hams or the pork rinds."

Usually, and I stress the word, it goes over okay and the customer agrees to remove one of the superfluous items. But lately (lately being over the last 6 months or so) the common reply has been "Well I need the pork rinds and I have to have my ham. Isn't there any way to give me a lower bill and let keep all my pork?" At that point I typically receive some sort of story on how someone in the family has lost a job or how they are only on some sort of government support system like disability, social security or unemployment. I am guessing these stories are to help justify that because said person is down on their luck that they not only deserve to keep all their pork we should pity them and make it so that all their products are beyond affordable for them and their limited income.

I'm sorry but it doesn't work that way. If you cannot afford your bills you need to make sacrifices even if that means going to another pork provider who might be cheaper. It baffles me that people want-no they EXPECT companies to just open up the proverbial toy chest and let them take all they toys they want but only pay for one. "Well I'm a customer! I give you business! You should be making an effort to keep me happy!" Not when making you happy is a financial step backward for us. At that point you stop becoming an asset and become a pain in the ass(et).

When did this happen to us? Has it always been this way and I just never noticed? Perhaps attitudes like this are what we get by living in a Capitalist society-we want EVERYTHING! We want the shiniest of the shiny, the high techiest of the high tech. but we don't want to pay a gorram cent for it.

And while part of me does feel sympathy for people who are having tough times I simply cannot support anyone who realizes they are having tough times but absolutely do not make any sacrifices. Instead they call companies, give a sob story and attempt to negotiate so they can continue their more than comfortable lifestyle at our expense. We're not a charity.

And truth be told the holidays are the worst time because you get those customers who want us keep their pork supply coming, despite not having paid us for 2 months, just because "it's the holidays."

"Tomorrow's Thanksgiving! You can't cut my bacon supply off on Thanksgiving!"

"Tomorrow being a national holiday doesn't really nullify the fact that you haven't paid us since August. I'm sorry."

And then they proceed to try and make me feel like a heartless monster. Let's get something straight here. Holidays (I don't care which ones) do not make a person exempt from their responsibilities-- especially on the matters of bills.

Perhaps working at the Pork Plant has made me a bitter individual. But if recognizing that we as individuals have certain financial responsibilities to uphold and not being receptive to those who refuse uphold those responsibilities because they do not want to make sacrifices is bitter, well then I guess I am.

*by following the example of fellow employee "M",I've decided refer my place of work as The Pork Plant as it seems safer to do when posting openly. For my friends who are well aware that I don't work at a pork plant... well... you're just cool like that and "in the know".

The day I realized I was a nerd

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 03:32:49 GMT

The site toplessrobot.com holds weekly contests normally asking visitors to share some sort of story of nerd life and the best one wins. This week's contest topic was, as my title states, the day I realized I was a nerd. Having many many nerdy epiphanies in my life I decided to enter and share my earliest memory of nerd-dom. That event was on my 7th birthday when at my request (read: begging and pleading) my Mom got me a customized Dairy Queen ice cream cake featuring Link battling an octorok on it. It's likely not going to win. It's fairly mild. But you've got to remember that seven-year-old girls I knew were playing with Barbie, My Little Pony, Care Bears... whatever. And though I had a reasonable interest in those thing they could not compete with my love of Link. The girls at my party didn't know who he was and thus my cake was probably deemed very very odd, but to me it was the coolest thing ever.

As I grew up the nerdery only continued. There were my constant games of "Let's Pretend: Captain N The Game Master" Where I, my sisters and my cousins would pretend we were characters who were, much like Captain N, trapped in Video Land and had random adventures there.

Then there were days in Jr High when I actually wrote fanfic for my creative writing class. My teachers didn't really know it was fanfic but they must have liked it as they always gave me A's on my stories. And on top of that my stories would sometimes be 10 pages or more in length (which in Jr High is not something one normally volunteers to do). My classmates didn't understand how I could write such a long story and I didn't understand how I couldn't. That was another time I realized I was a nerd.

High school was a totally different animal. In high school the pressure to fit in came on strong and where once I was okay with rambling on and on about Megaman X, Zombies etc, I began to realize this wasn't what "normal" girls did. Granted I let my inner nerd flourish in other ways. I drew anime style in art class... it should be noted that in the mid to late 90's anime was still a new thing to the states (at least it was in my neck of the woods). It got a good hold on the young kids with Pokemon but hadn't quite snagged a teenage and older audience. Thus seeing giant posters featuring things like Sailor Moon (no matter how girly) was something quite novel to my classmates. Still just because I could draw "Japanese Cartoons" didn't mean I was in. No no no, I was "the weird girl with a black belt in karate who drew Japanese Cartoons". Now I must note, though I was definitely out of the norm I was never picked on or made fun of (at least not to my face). I was just, kind of... that girl. I reminded of what I was and became a closet nerd.

College was when I came out of the nerd closet essentially. I got into everything! I learned Japanese because I loved anime, I got into Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, (fantasy and sci-fi in general really) I learned how to play table top role playing games, I continued to play video games, read comics and didn't care who found out. It felt good.

I haven't looked back since. I consider my nerdiness a blessing. Without it I don't think I would have ever met my husband. I don't think I would see the humor in things like I do, carry a pouch of dice in my purse or name my cats after anime characters.

And I certainly don't think I'd have a machete mounted on my wall specifically for fighting off zombies.

The Pre Cana experience

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 02:24:29 GMT

Today Ben and I attended a Pre Cana class at the Indianapolis Archdioceses. With this final step completed our wedding is, in the eyes of the Catholic Church, a go. I however feel as though I've lost 4 hours of my life, countless brain cells and was robbed of a good day of napping and recovering from my kick ass bachelorette party the night before.

So let's set the stage here. Ben, myself and about 30 other couples were at the event. The class was broken up into 2 sections. The first was fine. It just went over obvious stuff like beating your wife is bad and communication is a good thing. During this bit we had to fill out a few worksheets. One consisted of each of us listing something we appreciate about our future spouse. My list was more or less as follows:

What I appreciate most about you:

1) Your Zombie preparedness
2) You keep me from walking out into traffic
3) You are teh sex (whatever that means)
4) You're a Geek
5) IGNORE ME!
6) You're a pretty good sport, I mean they haven't kicked us out of class yet
7) You tolerate my cats. As such they have decided not to kill you.....yet

As we were reading each others' lists Ben couldn't help but laugh at my list. This laugh caught the attention of the woman leading the class. "why don't you share what you found so funny on your fiance's list?" she asked. Awesome. He only shared the "Walking out into traffic" one and that seemed to appease and entertain the class.

So yeah. There was that bit. The next bit was the natural family planning segment. This part, well this part was more or less offensive. First of all it was nothing but anti contraception propaganda. (I'll go into that in a bit). But the one part that just made Ben and I do a double take was when the woman leading the class basically said the following in regard to Mother Theresa teaching NFP to the poor women of India "I mean if we can teach it to Indian people you guys will have no problem."

Yeah, if those godless heathens can analyze the slipperiness of vaginal mucous then freakin anybody can do it. But apparently that is not the case because shortly thereafter she said how her 3rd child was an unexpected conception after she believed "God had closed her womb."

Now I'm all cool with learning about alternate methods of birth control but I expect a properly researched and fair presentation of all options. Sure share the pros of NFP. Please do so! But if you're also going to talk about the pill you better share the pros of it too. Oh wait, this is a Catholic thing. According to them the pill makes my urine cause male infertility true story! The Pope said so! He used his super Pope Science to make it so! http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/discoblog/2009/01/06/vatican-science-pope-blames-male-infertility-onthe-pill/

Anyway, this is what she had to say about the pill vs NFP

1) 50% of all marriages where the woman is on the pill end in divorce.
2) only 5% of couples who use NFP get divorced (sources please?)
3) Women who are on the pill feel used by their men. (I do?)
4) The pill prevents ovulation and makes it difficult for the sperm to reach the uterus and basically prevents pregnancy. (OMG! REALLY?! BECAUSE THAT'S NOT WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO DO OR
ANYTHING!)
5) The pill will prevent you from having children even when you want them even if you stop taking them. (Once again... sources please?)
6) Having sex while on the pill is shallow and meaningless and not really a display of affection while having sex while practicing NFP is the one true expression of love. (Also sex is only acceptable when performed in Missionary Position, lights off, under the blankets, no talking, moaning or expressing pleasure of any sort allowed...also afterward you have to feel guilty.)
7) Using the pill will cause your uterus to shrivel up into a raisin which you will expel in your tainted evil man-destroying urine. (okay so I made that one up... but hell, she may as well have thrown that one in there with all the other crap she was pushing)

She didn't mention that the pill can also:
1) reduce the risk of ovarian cancer dramatically
2) reduce the risk of pelvic infections
3) reduce the pain associated with a period
4) make a period regular and regulate bleeding thus preventing anemia for some women (like me. I was put on the pill when I was 13 for that very reason)
5) It can reduce the risk of various breast diseases

http://www.obgyn.net/women/women.asp?page=/women/articles/coffee_talk/ct005

When it was over I was tired, offended and had a sudden urge to do something incredibly sinful. To sum up, I'm pretty sure Ben and I, heathens as we are, will be just as happy, fulfilled and successful in our marriage as anyone else out there.

My pre-cana class summed up in 1 example

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 23:55:22 GMT

Speaker: Mother Theresa used Natural Family Planning to help the poor women of India and it worked wonderfully. So if we can teach it to a bunch of Indians you guys should have no problem learning it.

The lesson of the day?

Pre-Cana is a joke.

Note: If you responded with "Indian people are idiots" you need stop reading my journal because you're a twat.

That time of year again

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 03:00:23 GMT

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
2nd_ascention goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as Dr Girlfriend.
amelia_seyroon gives you 11 mottled green lemon-flavoured gummy worms.
brokenphoenix gives you 1 brown passionfruit-flavoured nuggets.
bubbabulk gives you 10 dark green cola-flavoured wafers.
denisew tricks you! You get a rotten egg.
feynmans_oj tricks you! You get a piece of paper.
inomuiro tricks you! You lose 17 pieces of candy!
keihcrug gives you 18 dark green coconut-flavoured gummy worms.
onda_bianca gives you 10 tan blueberry-flavoured nuggets.
woekitten tricks you! You lose 25 pieces of candy!
world_worn_soul tricks you! You get an eraser.
2nd_ascention ends up with 8 pieces of candy, a rotten egg, a piece of paper, and an eraser.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

My Nephew!!!!

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 01:28:15 GMT

William Owen Beckner 7lbs 14oz.

He looks kind of like a Muppet... the cutest Muppet ever! Kathy is doing fine and all is well. I just wish I could have been there. Stupid work.

Transformers: Revenge of the Bay-Splosions! (spoilers ahead)

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 03:38:11 GMT

When my fiancé and I went to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen our expectations were low to begin with. All we wanted was to see giant robots blowing stuff up and for the most part we got that. Unfortunately that wasn’t all we got. What follows is everything else we got in the movie but certainly did not want or ask for… EVER.

Human beings who should all be on some sort of medication

Whether it’s Sam’s mother having uber mood swings about losing her little boy to college or Leo (aka Tweaked Out Kid) freaking out and speaking in velocities reserved only for auctioneers or speed addicts it gets old fast. Is there any semi NORMAL behaving person in this movie? The answer to that is No. Aside from the soldiers all the other humans are just so mind bendingly annoying by the end you are almost screaming at the screen for one of them to die. Yes I know, we need comic relief… but comic relief can just as easily be done with clever dialogue. We do not, and I repeat DO NOT need to have former Agent Simmons (of the disbanded Sector 7) return for more of his half witted antics and we certainly do not need a close up of his ass. Thanks Michael Bay… I really needed that image… that and the dogs humping each other and Wheelie humping Mikaela’s leg. Hey since we're throwing in as many awkward unnecessary (and unfunny) images as possible into this movie how about we just give Dr Manhattan’s giant blue wang a cameo too!

You know if Michael Bay just cut out every scene with civilians in it, not only would he have taken at least a half hour off the movie, but the plot would not have suffered at all for it! The parents did NOT have to be in the movie at all. They played no real role. Sam’s college experience was totally not needed and only succeeded in portraying an unrealistic university setting and pissing me off.

The women

Dear. God. The women were horrible! First we’ve got Sam’s mom—an out of touch, menopausal ditz, then there’s Mikaela the Way-Too-Hot-To-Be-Relatable, streetwise, grease monkey who spends her days making love to motorcycles. Now don’t even get me started on the girls at Sam’s college! What the crap school does he go to that only enrolls 100lb over made-up, under sexed girls who seem to only have mini dresses in their wardrobe? I mean REALLY! I can’t relate to these girls! If I did I might have to kill myself out of shame and disgust! The only respectable woman in the whole movie was Arcee! AND SHE’S A MACHINE! (And also only in the movie a combined total of 5 minutes with one spoken line) Dear Michael Bay, Boobies and Botox do not make up for lack of character.

Speaking of women

There was a female Decepticon… and no, not a killer chick bot that took on the form of a bull dozer or tank or anything like that… it was a Decepticon in the form of a human girl who spent her entire on screen time trying to get in Sam’s pants because I guess he can only be killed with freaky robo sex. The first of the laundry list of problems I have with this is if Decepticons could take on human forms we would all be dead in a week! Second: Robots who look, sound and behave just like humans? I liked them better the first couple times around when they were called Cylons and Reploids. And once again I must reiterate the whole “we’d be dead in a week” thing… because…well, it’s true.

The Twins

Really? Really, Michael Bay? Have you ever met a black person? You do understand that “Ghetto” talk, gold teeth and being mindlessly violent and stupid are blatant and offensive stereotypes, right? I mean, you may as well have had Mudflap ask Sam if “Yousa people gonna die” since we’re obviously going down that road. There were so many other great Autobots to focus on like Arcee or Sideswipe-- hell just focus on Bumblebee for the entire movie I don’t care but just don’t give those two mechanical jack-wads another second of screen time! *reads the cast list* Wait… there was an Autobot called Jolt? WHERE?! WHERE WAS HE?! Oh wait, he was that shiny blue guy that got about .5 seconds of screen time, wasn’t he. Mike… you have a GOOD cast of Transformers… WHY did you waste them? Why did you let Frick and Frack ruin your movie?! I believe my friend Paul put it quite well when he said that we don't need the Wayans Brothers as Transformers. And he's right. We don't.

Devastator

Devastator would have been awesome! He was huge! He had a killer suction mouth that basically inhaled everything within a quarter mile of him! He would have been.... But then again I must remember who I’m dealing with. The most devastation that Devastator caused was tearing the top off one of the Pyramids—and yeah, that’s pretty hard core I guess. But I’m pretty sure in his entire rampage there was not a single casualty caused by him. And he gets taken out by… wait for it… a RAIL GUN! A RAIL GUN?!?! Really!? And in just one shot? The thing is like 20 stories tall or more and it gets blown to bits in ONE shot by a non existent sci-fi gun?! Urge to kill… rising!!!! But I would have been okay with it all had it been allowed to eat Skids (one have of the Twins) but noooooo, he has to live.

NOBODY died and they all lived happily ever after

Okay I picked out at least 4 times where Sam should have died. They are as follows: Falling through the ceiling while in a car into Megatron’s lair. Being thrown across said lair by Megatron. Having a robotic parasite the size of a banana crawl down his throat and poke around in his brain (at the very least he’d be paralyzed and wheelchair bound like Captain Pike). Careening across the desert being propelled by explosions. Oh wait no, that last one did cause him to die...only HE DIDN’T!!! He came back because his girly friend was all “OMG Sam I can’t live without you! I love you!!!!” Yeah touching. Touching and LAME! And you know, I honestly thought Simmons was going to bite it when he went after Devastator. At that point I was like “Hey, you might just redeem yourself!” You know what he did? He got on a walkie talkie and convinced the Captain of a nearby aircraft carrier to use their “Classified” rail gun to shoot Devastator.

Simmons: You don’t know me, but I’m an ex Government Agent and I know all about your rail gun and I know where you’re located and I need to you blow up this giant robot that’s tearing up the pyramid to get to a machine that will DESTROY THE SUN!!!

Captain: Destroy the sun??? You’re full of crap!

Simmon: Am not!

Captain: Okay, you pose a convincing argument I believe you, you know too much about conspiracies to be a nut job and surely nut jobs are not the least bit interested in cospiracies. Sure I’ll use my super secret weapon to blow up your alien robot! The unauthorized use of this super secret weapon in a populated area will be perfectly fine and have no repercussions at all!

Rail Gun: SKA-DOOSH!

Devastator: AAAAAH MY MOST OF ME!!!!

Optimus Gundam

Yeah Jetfire, it was really cool of you to give Optimus your powers and all being as how in your crotchety state you very well could have lectured him about how back in your day you didn’t have fancy synthetic oil or unleaded fuel or something… but the whole Uber Optimus Prime with the flight ability, the turbines on the shoulders etc was just a bit too Anime for me. You might as well have had Sam jump into his chest cavity and fly him around. In my opinion at this point Prime should have stayed dead and the story should have gone in the direction of the animated movie with Hotrod becoming Rodimus Prime… buuuuuut Hotrod was neglected entirely and didn’t even get so much as a mention. Because Gundam Prime is obviously better.

So yeah, all of that stuff just basically ruined it for me and no amount of giant robots can fix that. But it wasn’t all bad. There were some genuinely good parts to the movie and they are as follows:

The opening fight in Shanghai

That fight put me into a state of robot giddiness that usually only Zero (and occasionally Voltron) can pull off. It was nicely shot, lots of action and it didn’t move so fast that I couldn’t see anything. Morbo is pleased.

Starscream

Starscream was every bit the cowardly little bitch that I remember him to be. From his groveling to Megatron to his bit about taking over in his leader’s absence because someone had to take command, followed by him fleeing the battle at the very end with a comment about how cowards always live was all classic Starscream. Thank you, Michael Bay, for at least sparing that bit of my childhood.

Jetfire

If only for the line “My father was a wheel! The FIRST wheel! What did he transform into? NOTHING! But he did so with pride!” Now the fact that he was supposed to be really old but was an SR-71 Blackbird is a bit of a paradox but whatever. I guess you can’t have a Transformer that changes into an old wooden Wright Brothers plane or the Spirit of St Louis either (granted that would be hilarious to see).

So yeah. That is basically Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen in a nutshell. Like I said, I went in with low expectations but apparently they weren’t low enough. There is a hole in my soul put there by an errant Bay-splosion that should have been used to kill off one of the many annoying characters in that movie… instead it killed a little bit of me. No matter how much you want to give Michael Bay the benefit of the doubt, don’t. Just don’t. Save your money for Harry Potter or Beer or Strippers! Just don’t spend it on Transformers.

More Weird Dream Theater

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 02:59:40 GMT

So my dream last night....

I was me, but I was also Batgirl. But I never donned my Batgirl persona I just knew that I was. And it opened up with me and Bruce Wayne hanging out at Wayne Manor and we were in this great big foyer and in storms my sister Kim, some great big guy and another girl. She looks at Bruce and yells "You're Batman! And when we prove it we're gonna kick your ass!"

Bruce and I look at each other and I ask "First, why do you think Bruce is Batman? And second, why do you want to beat up Batman?"

Kim replied basically saying that she wanted to beat up Batman just because I liked him. (Liked him as in I was a fan, not attracted to him). Once again I began to ask "Okay, but why do you think Bruce is Batman?"

She never really answered, she just kept yelling that she and her friends weren't leaving till they proved Bruce was Batman and then beat him up to upset me.

At one point Bruce pulled me aside and said "Look we have to get them out of here somehow. I can't disappear and then have Batman arrive to take care of them, that would just be too obvious. I need you manage to sneak away and then arrive back as Batgirl and handle this."

"But then won't they assume I'm Batgirl?"

"It's doubtful. Batgirl is not as well known."

SO on that brilliant logic I tried to leave the Manor. We went back into the foyer and I looked at Kim and said "This is just stupid. I'm leaving. Thanks for ruining my day at Wayne Manor... It's not like I get to hang out here everyday, you know!" And I leave. But they follow me! I start to worry that I won't be able to follow through with Bruce's plan and then I realized, that really the main thing is that I get them away from Bruce. So I was content to walk along and let them follow me and make fun of me and taunt me etc.

Finally I came to a Borders Book Store and stopped.

"What are you doing?" Kim asked.
"I'm going to go to Borders. Is that okay or would you like to ruin that for me too?"

IT'S OVEEEEER!

How is life?

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 03:03:49 GMT

Well it's okay right now.

I'm busy getting the apartment all packed up and sorted out. Tonight I took two old computers apart and removed their hard drives prior to tossing the cases. My uncle (who is the family computer master) told me he that if I was going to toss the compys it would be safer to destroy the hard drives or re-format them.

The conversation went like this:

Sam: Well you can re-format them.
Angie: I'm not sure how to do that.
Sam: Or you can take them out and destroy them with a hammer
Angie: I CAN SMASH THEM?!?!? OMG?!!!1! LUVVVZ TO BREAK THINGZZZZZ!!!!

Turns out hard drives are a lot more durable than I anticipated and my little hammer just wasn't up to the task. So I opted for Sam's third option and I will give him the hard drives and he will wipe them clean with an electro magnet that his work uses for the same purpose and he will then dispose of them for me.

Yeah I might be over cautious but in my opinion one can never be too safe.

In other news I had my second interview for the Quota/Routing position today. It went well. I think I earned some points with the Director when she found out I was also assisting with the major ADS disaster that she had been working on at that moment.

I will let everyone know how it goes.

Also last weekend was the Fairland Fish Fry. It was a great time. Donuts and fried fish and pie and Elephant Ears for all! Mom and Dad even came up for a bit. They had a good time too.

Anyway, that's all I got at the moment. Things are slowly falling into place the apartment is getting emptier and emptier by the week and that is good.

I can't wait to move. It will be great!

Flipping the perverbial switch

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 00:39:36 GMT

Well, today was the big day. The long awaited, highly dreaded but mostly ignored digital transition. In some circles it may also be called the "digical switch over", "that there diginal change" and "when eve'r thing goes High Defamation". Nevermind that High Defamation bit isn't even correct on multiple levels.

For all those unfamiliar this event (which should have taken place back in February) basically takes away all over the air broadcasting so folks who are watching tv with a roof top antenna will no longer get a signal unless they either A) get a government issued set top box or antenna or B) subscribe to a cable or satellite service.

It's really all cut and dry. And maybe it's because I work in the cable industry that it all seems to plain to me but either way with change comes confusion and of course there are always those procrastinators who just make matters worse. I'm not sure if these individuals just assumed they weren't affected because their rabbit ears were special and magical and able to withstand this great and terrible change or if they were waiting for a last minute recall and a mass announcement of "Hey guys, we were just pullin' your chains!" Who knows?

What I do know is that yesterday and today every one of those procrastinators called in wanting cable and then proceeded to grumble when I told them we couldn't install them until Saturday or Monday. You've have YEARS to prepare for this and at least 9 months of annoying ads saying "DTV is coming! OMG! Are you ready?" And you wait until the day BEFORE/OF the transition to do anything about it?! PREPAREDNESS FAIL! And then they bust out the whole "well all's ya gotta do is flip a switch to cut it on!" CABLE KNOWLEDGE FAIL!

*********NOTICE: It is a common misconception that cable television can be turned on, switched on, cut on, or even turnt awn by "flipping a switch". The general idea of a large room full of nothing but wall to wall switches and a "switch flipper guy" at the ready to "cut you on" is highly skewed. It is not for certain who originally created this absurd notion but rest assured that most workers in the industry would like to find said person and kick them in the face.

The process to actually bring cable tv to a home is much more complicated and involves the untrapping of lines and the activation of individual cable outlets in the home. Not to mention the installation of all those fancy digical bokses and modiums. Yes, I said modiums. END NOTICE**********

But that misconception is nothing new and will likely continue transition or no. But what is really funny are the individuals who don't have a thing to worry about who keep calling in asking if they will be affected and if they need to get one of the government boxes. I actually had a woman who had cable, and not just cable, DIGITAL cable who went out and bought a government issue converter and called me to help set it up to her Comcast digital converter box. It took me 20 minutes to explain to her that the government issue converters are not geared toward cable or satellite customers at all. And I swear if I had a dollar for every time I've said "You have cable. You'll be FINE." I'd be able to retire quite comfortably right now.

But I think my most amusing incidents over the past few days are as follows.

-My Video On Demand doesn't work. Is it because of that DTV thing?
-This Digital change isn't going to affect my internet or phone, will it?
-My TV won't turn on when I hit the power button. Normally there's a green light but there's none there. Did that Digital thing do this?
-My cable is out! I thought you said that Digital thing wouldn't affect me!

And to answer them all: No, no, your TV's either busted or unplugged and you're past due and disconnected.

The past few days at work have just been a quagmire of confused customers and angry non customers who waited too long and now have to go without tv for a while. But when I look out the window the world hasn't ended. It's still spinning, digitally now, but still spinning nonetheless. It's hard to convince the general populous of this. Some are pretty sure it's the end of the world as we know it. But you know, if it is, I feel fine.

Long overdue entry

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 00:45:24 GMT

I've been meaning to mention this for about 3 years now and I just keep forgetting it.

When I go walking there is a large side yard and a valley with lots of brush and plants and stuff... SOMETHING over there smells just like Fruit Stripe bubblegum-- you know that bubblegum with the crazy colored stripes on it whose flavor only last about 3 minutes... (see here: http://www.oldtimecandy.com/fruit-stripe-gum.htm) I don't know if it's some sort of flower or what but it is uncanny.

So yeah... 3 years of walking and noticing it and I finally mention it.

You may get back to your lives now, citizens.

New sushi joint

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 02:04:18 GMT

So I guess a few months or so back a new sushi restaurant opened down town on Kirkwood St right across from Nick's Bar. Since I'm always up for trying a new sushi place Bruce and I went there for dinner tonight.

It's a small joint with a modest menu offering your standard sushi fare along with heaping plates of teriyaki and bowls of udon served up with one of my favorite fried foods of all time--egg rolls.

I got my usual fare, a couple of spicy tuna rolls and just for fun, some spicy salmon too. The salmon was pretty good and generously portioned in the roll. The tuna was also quite good, but then again I've never met a spicy tuna roll that I didn't like. Bruce decided to try the spicy octopus roll. He offered my some and I tried it expecting not to like it... my previous encounters with octopus left me gnawing on a rubbery tentacle wondering if I had accidentally eaten a balloon instead. This was not so. The octopus tentacle was quartered and rolled up and was not in the least bit rubbery and chewy. It actually had quite a nice flavor to it as well. It was quite a pleasant surprise.

The sushi is reasonably priced from $4-$5 a roll depending on what you get. I didn't quite pay attention to the prices of the teriyaki but I think a bowl of beef udon runs about $9 and that's not bad at all considering it's a big ol bowl of beef noodle soup.

The only thing... I forgot the name of the place...I wanna say something like C&Z sushi and steak but I don't know.

Oh well. Who cares. It was damn tasty.

Executive decision

Tue, 05 May 2009 03:39:49 GMT

I've decided not to declaw the cats.

I read up on the matter on lots of sites both for and against the procedure and I just won't do it. As far as I am aware and as far as these sites describe the procedure involves removing a bit of the cat's toe... I don't know how I thought it was done before but I thought it was more like pulling out a finger nail or something... I dunno.

So I have devised a couple of plans to work around my cats and their little dagger fingers.

For $20 I can order a set of Soft Paws. Basically they are press on fingernails for cats but they are supposed to prevent damage from clawing.

I can also take the kitchen table legs that Ed is so fond of scratching and turn them into scratching posts. The table is going to be discarded anyway... why not put some of it to good use?

What really got me though was reports of cats no longer using their litter box after the procedure because it hurt them to dig in it.... I don't know about you but I would rather put up with scratching than I would missing the litter box.

So yeah. Tomorrow bright and early I'll be calling the Vet to cancel the procedure.

That time of year again

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 03:16:27 GMT

Well it's spring at Indiana University. The city is overrun with drunken students, cops and out-of-towers. All the restaurants and bars are stuffed full, traffic is a mess... it can be only 1 thing.... LITTLE 500!!!!

For those who don't know the Little 500 is a bicycle race held at IU every spring and it is a really big event.

I personally don't care. I went to the Little 500 when I was in college and found the race itself to be utterly boring and nothing more than a Greek-fest (all the fraternities and sororities were there being loud and obnoxious). Even the general parties and all that aren't my thing. Granted I did have quite the time my sophomore year at little 500. I experienced my first ever hang over then.

Anyway, this weekend happens to be the dreaded weekend. I was invited out to the Players Pub with some work friends but I dare not go out to the bars tonight. Not with all the cops out (seriously... I passed 3 on the way to work at 10AM today I can only assume they have gotten worse). That and I would rather not brave the traffic.

I kid you not when I say the streets of downtown Bloomington are littered with drunk people during this event. It is so very true. And it reminds me of last year's little 500.

Last year Ben and Bruce decided to go partying. I declined as I feel I have outgrown college parties but told them to call me for a ride home. As I recall the weather was very cold and rainy and long about midnight a very drunk Ben called, ready to go home. But he also informed me of 4 girls who could not get a taxi due to the business of the night. "They need a ride out to Eagle Pointe," he explained to me not really knowing where it was. "Please, they're crying." I argued him for a bit explaining that Eagle Pointe was a little more then out of the way. But finally after hearing the magic words "they'll pay you" I had a change of heart and I met Ben and these 4 total strangers out at the bars and took them home.

Eagle Pointe is a good 25 minute drive both ways. On the way there the girls were drunkenly singing my praises and when we arrived at their destination they began to shove money at me! "Here thanks soooo much!!!! Oh my God you're our hero!!!!"

I don't think they realized it but they gave me $60. I perhaps spent $5 worth of fuel getting them home... major profit for me!

But yeah... that was my blast from the past today.

Tomorrow I'm getting the heck outta dodge and weathering the rest of Little 500 in Greenwood with Ben when he comes home from his gig.

why I need to not live alone anymore...

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 01:27:05 GMT

I just said the following to Winry (my cat)

Upon seeing her in the kitchen peacefully drinking from her water dish:

"Holy crap! You're actually drinking from your water dish peacefully!"

Winry looks up at me

"Well I'm just sayin' I mean normally you just smack it around like it's your bitch."

I seriously need a roommate. Preferably one named Benjamin who is planning on marrying me here in the semi near future.

it's just after 1AM

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 05:16:06 GMT

And the cats and I just finished watching Suspiria on Cinemax.

It was everything I dreamed of and more... and now I'm going to go watch Red Green for a bit to make sure I DON'T dream about it.

John can give you cancer... and turn into a car.

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 01:17:13 GMT

Even though I know this is a spoof it's still painful to watch... but at the same time it's so funny that I can't help myself.

Also in other unrelated news I had a dream last night that I had an orange and white tabby cat named... wait for it.... "Houseboat". Yes. I had Ed, Winry and Houseboat. And in this dream there was an earth quake that split the floor, that actually looked like straight up cracked earth, in the spare bedroom on the second floor of mine and Ben's townhouse (that we owned in the dream) causing the cats' litter box to explode covering that room and the room below in a freakishly thick layer of kitty litter and poo. In the midst of cleaning the mess Ben exits the top room and says "I'm not going back in there... one of your cats dropped a deuce the size of a log and I had to clean it up."

I think that was the culmination of all my stress put into one whacked out insane dream.

Houseboat... Heh.

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 01:21:23 GMT

Please try and put yourself in my shoes. Just for a minute. Please try and understand the pressure I'm under not just from my family but from you too. Please try and understand that I just want to make you all happy and do what I feel in my heart is right.

Too many channels

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 03:31:26 GMT

I have this recurring dream... In this dream I am watching it from outside myself...

I am sitting on a sofa in the dark with only the light of a television set. I'm staring blankly at the screen... wide eyed with tears running down my cheeks. In my hand is the remote and I am almost mechanically changing the channels but I don't register what is on... I just get a quick blip then on to the next.

Eventually someone approaches me and takes the remote from my hand and asks what's wrong.

Sobbing I reply "There are too many channels."

the first real dent

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 02:24:04 GMT

This weekend Ben and I spent almost $250 in less than 30 minutes.

But in that 30 minutes we ended up buying a ton of stuff for the wedding:

Aisle runner
pillow for the rings
guest book
guest book pen
silk flower petals
basket for said petals
champagne flutes for the wedding party
engraved champagne flutes for me and Ben
a headband to go with my veil
my garter
the unity candle
cake knife and server

That's a pretty good dent in the list.

Mom is also calling a prospective DJ this week to see how much he charges. He's supposed to be really good so here's hoping he's reasonable. She's also reserving a block of rooms at one of the hotels in town. AND Ben got our photographer on board as well.

Next weekend I'll be ordering the Bridesmaid dresses and soon after the Junior Bridesmaid dresses.

So our wedding is coming right along I suppose. But you know me... I won't be satisfied until it actually arrives. I hate waiting.

That and thinking of all the non wedding related stuff going on... getting an apartment by the end of July... packing up all my crap here... Bleh, I think I'm going to do some serious inventory and get rid of as much as possible.

What has been read cannot be unread

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 03:39:26 GMT

I finished the Twilight series today.

Okay so it wasn't the massively horrible train wreck that the first book had me thinking it was, but it was certainly not the greatest series I have ever read.

You can read what I have to say about the first book somewhere back in my other entries... and, yes, I'm too lazy to link it.

I did not care for the second book. Bella being all stupid Extreme Sports so she could hear Edward's voice, the trip to Italy that just came right out of left field dropping what I thought was the main plot (Victoria hunting down Bella) like a hot rock and OMG her best friend is a Wer-wuff!!!!!

Didn't dig it.

Eclipse was not bad. Jacob began to get on my nerves at this point though. He's like the guy the just won't quit even after he's been shot down a MILLION times! And what's with her dad being all "Woo way to go Jake!" when Bella angrily tells him that Jacob basically forced himself on her? I'm sorry, but my dad would be breaking out the shotgun. Doesn't matter who it was. And his crude, mannerisms toward the Cullen family really bugged me. Yes they're mortal enemies but the Vampires are making an effort to be polite, why can't you? The end was kinda cool. I liked learning about Jasper's past and the history of the Tribe and the wolves. All interesting.
But I found the ending a bit anticlimactic. I was expecting a HUGE battle and all I got was a minor scuffle.

Moderately dug it.

Breaking Dawn was the hardest for me to read. Perhaps it was because I had my fill of the series by then. So Bella and Edward finally get married. Bella doesn't really want to but it's the only way she'll get Edward into the sack so she agrees to it. They go on their honeymoon and have crazy vampire sex and Bella gets knocked up. Now, the whole thing with Bella carrying and birthing the Hell Fetus was semi interesting if not freakishly over the top. I mean she's drinking blood from a sippy cup??? And all the while it's in her womb breaking her ribs and cracking her pelvis... but according to Edward it loves her. Aaaaw. Oh, wait! What ever happened to Bella fainting and getting all sick at even the slightest smell of blood? Here she is drinking it like an afternoon martini. And she says it tastes good.

Sooo yeah, Bella has said Hellion and after the most grotesque birth possible little Renesmee is born and Bella is dead. But it's Edward to the rescue to turn her into a vampire and save her... sort of... ish. And then a few horribly painful days later Bella is a vampire. But no, no living happily every after yet. The Volturi Italian Pope Vampires get wind of this half breed abomination and are all about killing it dead. And the end, once again anticlimactic. I was hoping for a giant battle against the Volturi but alas, no. And what's with Jacob imprinting on Bella's spawn like that? She's like 3 seconds old!!!! And he more or less falls in love with her??? Yes I know the author explained that at that point it's not romantic love blah blah blah... ya know what, though... ew. Just ew.

Once again, moderately dug it.

My over all opinion. It's the side characters that make these books interesting. If it weren't for the other Cullens and some interesting random bits of fictional history I would have lost interest in the books right at the start. Bella to the very end annoyed the b'jesus out of me and is in no way, shape or form a good role model for young women. She has absolutely NO ambitions. All she wants to do is be with Edward. And when she does FINALLY agree to marry him she does it for all the absolute WRONG reasons! "WOO I GET TO HAVE SEX AND BECOME A VAMPIRE!!!!" What fabulous reasons to get married. Hell it's why I'm doing it!

Aren't you?

Summer is coming.

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 02:58:05 GMT

It's windy out and it's warm. Warm enough for me to have all my windows open and feel the breeze and still be comfortable. It's so nice. It's a kind reminder that summer is on its way... and I seriously need all the reminders I can get.

The cold and the darkness do not work well with me. I've found I thrive on sunshine and heat (the hotter the better). Having the windows all shut and the heat on makes me feel like I'm enclosed in a box. I don't like feeling disconnected to the outside--separated from everything going on.

I just love open windows. I love a cool breeze. I love hearing the rain falling and the wind blowing and the cars as they drive down the road. Not to mention, the cats love being able to sit in the window sill again.

This winter stuff--I can't hack it.

And even though I know this lovely weather won't be sticking around it's a nice reminder of what's on the way.

Good news everyone

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 04:11:41 GMT

I had my final follow up with the urologist today.

Everything looks fine and I'm officially off my antibiotics.

WOO!

Miracle diet...

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 17:32:28 GMT

If I see one more acai berry/colon cleanse, nutra-system, or whatever else diet advertisement I'm gonna smack a bitch.

What ever happened to exercising and eating right? Oh, wait, I forgot those require work and don't have instant gratification. My bad.