When my fiancé and I went to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen our expectations were low to begin with. All we wanted was to see giant robots blowing stuff up and for the most part we got that. Unfortunately that wasn’t all we got. What follows is everything else we got in the movie but certainly did not want or ask for… EVER.



Human beings who should all be on some sort of medication

Whether it’s Sam’s mother having uber mood swings about losing her little boy to college or Leo (aka Tweaked Out Kid) freaking out and speaking in velocities reserved only for auctioneers or speed addicts it gets old fast. Is there any semi NORMAL behaving person in this movie? The answer to that is No. Aside from the soldiers all the other humans are just so mind bendingly annoying by the end you are almost screaming at the screen for one of them to die. Yes I know, we need comic relief… but comic relief can just as easily be done with clever dialogue. We do not, and I repeat DO NOT need to have former Agent Simmons (of the disbanded Sector 7) return for more of his half witted antics and we certainly do not need a close up of his ass. Thanks Michael Bay… I really needed that image… that and the dogs humping each other and Wheelie humping Mikaela’s leg. Hey since we're throwing in as many awkward unnecessary (and unfunny) images as possible into this movie how about we just give Dr Manhattan’s giant blue wang a cameo too!

You know if Michael Bay just cut out every scene with civilians in it, not only would he have taken at least a half hour off the movie, but the plot would not have suffered at all for it! The parents did NOT have to be in the movie at all. They played no real role. Sam’s college experience was totally not needed and only succeeded in portraying an unrealistic university setting and pissing me off.


The women

Dear. God. The women were horrible! First we’ve got Sam’s mom—an out of touch, menopausal ditz, then there’s Mikaela the Way-Too-Hot-To-Be-Relatable, streetwise, grease monkey who spends her days making love to motorcycles. Now don’t even get me started on the girls at Sam’s college! What the crap school does he go to that only enrolls 100lb over made-up, under sexed girls who seem to only have mini dresses in their wardrobe? I mean REALLY! I can’t relate to these girls! If I did I might have to kill myself out of shame and disgust! The only respectable woman in the whole movie was Arcee! AND SHE’S A MACHINE! (And also only in the movie a combined total of 5 minutes with one spoken line) Dear Michael Bay, Boobies and Botox do not make up for lack of character.


Speaking of women

There was a female Decepticon… and no, not a killer chick bot that took on the form of a bull dozer or tank or anything like that… it was a Decepticon in the form of a human girl who spent her entire on screen time trying to get in Sam’s pants because I guess he can only be killed with freaky robo sex. The first of the laundry list of problems I have with this is if Decepticons could take on human forms we would all be dead in a week! Second: Robots who look, sound and behave just like humans? I liked them better the first couple times around when they were called Cylons and Reploids. And once again I must reiterate the whole “we’d be dead in a week” thing… because…well, it’s true.



The Twins

Really? Really, Michael Bay? Have you ever met a black person? You do understand that “Ghetto” talk, gold teeth and being mindlessly violent and stupid are blatant and offensive stereotypes, right? I mean, you may as well have had Mudflap ask Sam if “Yousa people gonna die” since we’re obviously going down that road. There were so many other great Autobots to focus on like Arcee or Sideswipe-- hell just focus on Bumblebee for the entire movie I don’t care but just don’t give those two mechanical jack-wads another second of screen time! *reads the cast list* Wait… there was an Autobot called Jolt? WHERE?! WHERE WAS HE?! Oh wait, he was that shiny blue guy that got about .5 seconds of screen time, wasn’t he. Mike… you have a GOOD cast of Transformers… WHY did you waste them? Why did you let Frick and Frack ruin your movie?! I believe my friend Paul put it quite well when he said that we don't need the Wayans Brothers as Transformers. And he's right. We don't.



Devastator

Devastator would have been awesome! He was huge! He had a killer suction mouth that basically inhaled everything within a quarter mile of him! He would have been.... But then again I must remember who I’m dealing with. The most devastation that Devastator caused was tearing the top off one of the Pyramids—and yeah, that’s pretty hard core I guess. But I’m pretty sure in his entire rampage there was not a single casualty caused by him. And he gets taken out by… wait for it… a RAIL GUN! A RAIL GUN?!?! Really!? And in just one shot? The thing is like 20 stories tall or more and it gets blown to bits in ONE shot by a non existent sci-fi gun?! Urge to kill… rising!!!! But I would have been okay with it all had it been allowed to eat Skids (one have of the Twins) but noooooo, he has to live.


NOBODY died and they all lived happily ever after

Okay I picked out at least 4 times where Sam should have died. They are as follows: Falling through the ceiling while in a car into Megatron’s lair. Being thrown across said lair by Megatron. Having a robotic parasite the size of a banana crawl down his throat and poke around in his brain (at the very least he’d be paralyzed and wheelchair bound like Captain Pike). Careening across the desert being propelled by explosions. Oh wait no, that last one did cause him to die...only HE DIDN’T!!! He came back because his girly friend was all “OMG Sam I can’t live without you! I love you!!!!” Yeah touching. Touching and LAME! And you know, I honestly thought Simmons was going to bite it when he went after Devastator. At that point I was like “Hey, you might just redeem yourself!” You know what he did? He got on a walkie talkie and convinced the Captain of a nearby aircraft carrier to use their “Classified” rail gun to shoot Devastator.



Simmons: You don’t know me, but I’m an ex Government Agent and I know all about your rail gun and I know where you’re located and I need to you blow up this giant robot that’s tearing up the pyramid to get to a machine that will DESTROY THE SUN!!!

Captain: Destroy the sun??? You’re full of crap!

Simmon: Am not!

Captain: Okay, you pose a convincing argument I believe you, you know too much about conspiracies to be a nut job and surely nut jobs are not the least bit interested in cospiracies. Sure I’ll use my super secret weapon to blow up your alien robot! The unauthorized use of this super secret weapon in a populated area will be perfectly fine and have no repercussions at all!

Rail Gun: SKA-DOOSH!

Devastator: AAAAAH MY MOST OF ME!!!!


Optimus Gundam

Yeah Jetfire, it was really cool of you to give Optimus your powers and all being as how in your crotchety state you very well could have lectured him about how back in your day you didn’t have fancy synthetic oil or unleaded fuel or something… but the whole Uber Optimus Prime with the flight ability, the turbines on the shoulders etc was just a bit too Anime for me. You might as well have had Sam jump into his chest cavity and fly him around. In my opinion at this point Prime should have stayed dead and the story should have gone in the direction of the animated movie with Hotrod becoming Rodimus Prime… buuuuuut Hotrod was neglected entirely and didn’t even get so much as a mention. Because Gundam Prime is obviously better.


So yeah, all of that stuff just basically ruined it for me and no amount of giant robots can fix that. But it wasn’t all bad. There were some genuinely good parts to the movie and they are as follows:



The opening fight in Shanghai

That fight put me into a state of robot giddiness that usually only Zero (and occasionally Voltron) can pull off. It was nicely shot, lots of action and it didn’t move so fast that I couldn’t see anything. Morbo is pleased.


Starscream

Starscream was every bit the cowardly little bitch that I remember him to be. From his groveling to Megatron to his bit about taking over in his leader’s absence because someone had to take command, followed by him fleeing the battle at the very end with a comment about how cowards always live was all classic Starscream. Thank you, Michael Bay, for at least sparing that bit of my childhood.


Jetfire

If only for the line “My father was a wheel! The FIRST wheel! What did he transform into? NOTHING! But he did so with pride!” Now the fact that he was supposed to be really old but was an SR-71 Blackbird is a bit of a paradox but whatever. I guess you can’t have a Transformer that changes into an old wooden Wright Brothers plane or the Spirit of St Louis either (granted that would be hilarious to see).



So yeah. That is basically Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen in a nutshell. Like I said, I went in with low expectations but apparently they weren’t low enough. There is a hole in my soul put there by an errant Bay-splosion that should have been used to kill off one of the many annoying characters in that movie… instead it killed a little bit of me. No matter how much you want to give Michael Bay the benefit of the doubt, don’t. Just don’t. Save your money for Harry Potter or Beer or Strippers! Just don’t spend it on Transformers.